23 Signs That You Need More Excitement in Your Life

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1. Obsessively checking hour-by-hour weather updates. 

2. Feeling smug when you make it out the house and back in time before the afternoon downpour.

3. Worrying that your dog is looking bored.

4. Explaining out loud to your dog that things could be a lot worse right now.

5. Instead of dreaming about wonderful holidays or fantasy romances, your nighttime thoughts revolve around those really exciting plans you’ve got coming up. In six weeks’ time.

6. Or you sleep restlessly under the impression that someone is trying to force-feed you wilted broccoli stems.

7. Letting out an involuntary squeal in the dairy aisle when you discover there is an offer on the yoghurts.

8. Feeling accomplished that you made it a whole week without being forced by necessity to change your outfit.

Should probably be more worried by the fact that the broccoli has better developed hands than I....

Should probably be more worried by the fact that the broccoli has better developed hands than I….

9. Saying, out loud, “Ooh, I can’t wait to have a shower this evening,” because you’re so excited to use the new shampoo that was on sale.

10. Considering the earliest acceptable time to get to bed on a Saturday night.

11. Feeling excited just before you fall asleep, because when you wake up it will be breakfast time.

12. Reflecting that breakfast is probably as good as it will get today.

13. Envying your dog’s life of sleeping, eating, and occasional exercise.

14. Bulking up your daily To-Do List with points such as, “Take a shower” and “Remember to have the last egg in the fridge for lunch.”

15. Your alter-ego’s back story is more fleshed out than the characters from Twilight.

16. You find yourself wondering if people would have anything more to say than “She really liked weak tea” in remembrance of your planetary existence.

17. Staring forlornly on more than one occasion at your old school uniform.

18. A ‘big night out’ now means driving to pick up a takeaway and falling asleep on the couch at 10PM.

19. You start saying, “God that makes me feel so OLD!” and telling everyone about it when you realise the kid from the soap you used to watch is now teen-age. “But, I mean, he’s AGED! Actual YEARS!”badge

20. Thinking ‘to hell with it’ and ‘you only live once’ when deciding to order a normal latte rather than a skinny one.

21. Having to use physical restraint on yourself to prevent any reckless behaviour in the local haberdashery shop. SEQUIIIINS.

22. Using household chores as a way to break up the day a bit.

23. Watching internet videos of fading popstars attempting to stage a ‘comeback’ and being unable to conclusively say whether their situation is less desirable than your own.

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*NB – The author would like to point out that all these points are the product of an active imagination, and have no baring whatsoever on events from her own life. 

Now if you’ll excuse her, she has to unstack the dishwasher and research glue guns. 

A Series of Unfortunate Events

One time I forgot to make tea for my boss and didn’t want to admit it. I thought I’d have time to sneak out and get him one, but when my back was turned he picked up the tea I had made for myself.

luke warm

“Ah thanks, Izzi, you’re a legend,” he said.

Um… ah…

My boss likes his tea really strong and with significant amount of sugar. My own preference is for a brew that is half milk, half hot water, with a tea bag vaguely wafted near the cup. At work we use those take-away coffee cups with lids, so you can’t see what’s inside.

And thus my boss picked up and walked away with a cup of what was essentially hot milk. I was too embarrassed to point out this had happened and make light of the situation like any normal person might, so I just let him take it. I was not asked to do the tea-run again for quite some time.

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There was the occasion when I decided to withdraw/rescue all my money from a failing savings account. There wasn’t a huge amount in there, but I was getting an interest rate of peanuts – unsalted ones at that – so thought I would move to pastures new.

However, when I went in to draw everything out and close the account, the nice lady behind the richesdesk asked me what I was planning to do with it. Even though she didn’t own the bank or anything, and wasn’t responsible for their rates and charges, I felt mean admitting that I was taking my custom elsewhere.

In a sweaty-palmed panic, I blurted out that I was withdrawing it all to put down a deposit on a house. I was eighteen at the time. And there was barely enough in that account to buy a fancy fridge. Having said that, the bank recently went under, so maybe my savings were worth more than I thought.

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During my first week at university, I’d been encouraged to go out the night before a long day of lectures and seminars. As the whole uni thing was still a bit weird and new, and I was slow to come out of my shell, I overdid it a bit with the social lubricant.

The next day during my first seminar I was feeling pretty peaky. I resolved to keep my head down and just get through the lesson, and then I would go and buy as much paracetamol as is legally allowed in one transaction.

All was going to plan, until literally the last 5 minutes of the tutorial. I’d not done anything for the preceding 55 minutes – bar nodding my head and trying to look like I was ‘silently engaging’ – when the tutor asked us all a question.renaissance

No one was answering so he decided to give us a clue. “It begins with ‘R’,” he told us. In my fuddled state I shouted out, “Renaissance!” as if it was some game to shout out all the words you know beginning with a certain letter. To this day I cannot remember the question (I don’t think I even knew then), but I do know “Renaissance!” had nothing to do with whatever it was.

I then fell over a chair as I subtly attempted leave the room after one of the longest hours of my life.

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Everyone I know calls me Izzi (except my mum when I’m in trouble), but I haven’t gone for the most obvious spelling. I often get ‘Izzy’ or ‘Izzie’, though there has also been the occasional ‘Issy’ and ‘Issie’, once even an ‘Isy’ (the p.e. teacher that hated me at school always insisted on spelling it that way).

name tag

I am not in the market for correcting people. In fact, so that others don’t feel bad that they spell it wrong (no one feels bad, Izzi! Get over yourself!), I write my name in all its variations depending on who I’m talking to. So at my old job I signed off all my tasks as ‘Izzie’. At my current place I’m ‘Izzy’. And probably 50% of my Christmas cards went out this year with ‘incorrect’ signage at the bottom.

At work once, a man misheard me and thought I’d said my name was ‘Easy’. Again, too awkward to correct him, but also kind of amused by the fact that he thought my parents named their first child ‘Easy’ (yes, sir, and my middle name is ‘Doesit’), I let it go and was evermore referred to as such. My friends enjoyed that one.

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I guess what I’m trying to say is, when life give you lemons, sometimes you just end up squirting the juice in your eye.